Feminist Ocarina of Time
by Erickson's Hub
Summary: A feminist rewrite of this sexist piece of garbage game called Ocarina of Time. If you don't like it, you're a sexist, misogynist, bigot.


**Author's note: I fucking hate the Legend of Zelda series because of the overuse of the 'Damsel of Distress' trope. It's always the man who saves the day while the woman is nothing but a helpless flower! IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF! I've never played a Zelda game, but I know the games are sexist garbage. Anita Sarkeesian told me so. So I decided to rewrite the entire Zelda series how it should be, starting with Ocarina of Time! If you don't like it, you're a sexist pig!**

Princess Zelda was fucking pissed. The evil Jew Ganondorf had stolen the triforce and had taken over Hyrule. Link tried to stop him, but like all men, he was a useless sack of shit. So Zelda decided to take matters into her own hands.

Tying back her hair, she entered her closet where she put on her Matrix cosplay outfit and a bullet-proof vest. She also put on combat boots, fingerless gloves, and a pair of jeans. She took out two handguns a shotgun, an AK-47 and a flamethrower, strapping them all to her sides. She slung an ammo bang around her back and put on a pair of aviators.

Kicking open the door of her Kakariko hide out, she said in an Arnold Schwarzenegger-like voice, "Time to take out the trash!"

She then went on to killing the entire evil white male population of Kakariko village before heading over to Ganon's castle. She walked over to where two UUUUGLY FUCKING MOBLINS were guarding the entrance. They were watching MGTOW videos on youtube,

"HAha women suck!" one of them said guffawing like a retard. "Fuck womens!"

"I know, right!?" the other replied.

This pissed off Zelda, so she took out her shotgun and blew one of their brains out Kurt Cobain-style. The other one looked on in horror before being shot in the chest. Zelda then entered the castle. When Ganon's henchmen saw her, an epic fucking battle ensued, mother fucker. AN EPIC FUCKING BATTLE. Imagine that rap song in the film Django Unchained during the Candyland shootout scene. That's what would've been playing right now.

One of the lizalfos' charged at her, but was quickly blown away by gunfire. Zelda jumped to the side, firing two shots at moblins before rolling around, dodging arrows fired by bulbins. A fire bubble flew in and burned Zelda slightly before she shot at it. It shattered into a thousand pieces. A helmasaur charged at her only for her to jump over it and shot it in its exposed ass.

Three bokoblins surrounded Zelda. She was about to shoot them but _click! _she was out of ammo. She took out her handgun and shot one of her attackers between the eyes, the bullet piercing the second and third bokoblins. While she was reloading her shot gun, a fucking darknut came around the corner, sword in hand, ready to cleave the princess in two. She shot at it, only for the pellets to ricochet off of it.

"Good thing I brought armor piercing rounds!" said Zelda as she took out the magazine and switched the regular one for that one. Shooting the darknut in the balls, she exclaimed, "I like the way you die, boy!" as the darknut fell dead.

Zelda then ran up the stairs of the foyer and through the mazelike hallways, shooting at various monsters before turning to the hall that lead to the courtyard. There were bodies everywhere. Two more darknuts appeared and swung their lances at her. She ducked and did a backflip before shooting them both. Ten bulbins began firing arrows at her from behind the entrance way to the courtyard. Zelda got behind cover and got out her AK-47 and began shooting. One of the bulbins got out from cover and charged at her with a spear.

_Idiot, _thought Zelda as she shot at the creature's legs. The bulbin screamed in pain as it fell to the floor. The other bulbins continued to fire arrows at the princess, some of them hitting their fallen comrade.

"AHHHH! OH MY GOD! FUCK!" exclaimed the bulbin, clutching its abdomen in pain. Some of Zelda's bullets hit the guy in the legs. It clutched its legs. "OH SWEET JESUS, LET ME KILL THIS NIGGA!"

Zelda then got one of the fuckers in the head while the others ran up to her, out of arrows. She shot them, their bodies falling on top of the dying bulbin. "OOF!" it said. The princess then ran to the courtyard where a giant dodongo stood. It blew fire from its mouth. Zelda jumped to the side before jumping again, summersaulting in the air, and landing on its head.

"Eat this, muh fukka!" she said as she threw a grenade into its mouth before jump. The beast blew up internally, falling to the ground as blood dripped from its mouth.

Zelda made her way out of the courtyard and into the main hall that led to the throne room where Ganondorf waited for her. Three stalfos' appeared and were quickly shot.

Ganondorf sat on his throne, looking through a large crystal ball at the carnage that was happing outside his throne room. He was simply shocked that a strong fucking independent woman was able to get passed his minions. He was terrified because of what was coming to kill him. He couldn't allow it. He stood from his seat and called for his right hand man.

It was… SARGON OF AKKAD!

"My humble servant, Sargon of Akkad. Destroy this woman and remind her of her place."

"With pleasure" replied the evil white anti-feminist male cis het scum Sargon. He laughed an evil laugh and left to go face the badass woman.

"LOL" said ganondorf. "if anyone can stop Zelda, Sargon can!"


End file.
